Do You Remember Me?

It has been a while now and the Christmas tree has been removed and the house has been de-Christmas-ized.  (Yes, that is a word).  I at least didn’t ruin Christmas with my mood to the point anyone noticed.  But if you really know me, you know what I was feeling & thinking and you could have been able to see it because although there were a few decorations up not all of them went up and although we had a tree, I never bothered watering it or tending to it and hardly turned on the lights.  I didn’t enjoy the decorations and looked at them with disgust because they were a reminder that the Youngest is not here and would not be here with us.

I didn’t wrap presents.  Not only that I put very little effort in going shopping.  I did buy a few gifts, a very few.  I just put them in bags and said “Here. Merry Christmas” .  That is so not like me.  I love to wrap presents and make fancy bows.  Even though the boys are older I like to make Christmas morning special.  I suppose that there will be plenty of wrapping paper for next year.

We really didn’t have the money to get all that excited this year either.  Not that any of us need a damn thing.  Lord knows all of us have enough stuff.  But it was not the money or the lack of it that prevented me from getting all excited.

I was very glad when it was over.

I’ll be really glad when Youngest is home.  Less than a year now and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  Until he is home safe and sound nothing will be right, nothing will be the same.  Don’t feel bad for me though and don’t try to make it better for me either.  This is how it is, period. I don’t feel sorry for myself, this is not a pity pot this is how it is.

Not that I won’t do my work with a passion every day, because unless I engage passion in what I do than I won’t do it. And I will be excited about the day and enjoy my life.  But there will be a hole, a big hole and that won’t go away until Youngest comes home.

I spend my day trying to keep busy so no one will notice.  Mostly so I won’t notice, the big hole in my life.  Not that I try to forget it, it is just hard to engage if it is a constant in my face reminder. I try not to watch the news and I won’t watch any war movies.  I even have a hard time watching the history channel sometimes if it is about war or any conflict.   I don’t want to watch any violence what so ever on TV as it just reminds me of the war.

I don’t want you to think I am against the war.  Or that I am against my son being in the war.  That is not the case.  I believe in what my son is doing and others like him.  I could not be more proud of him and all the troops.  I am however, first a mom, second an American.

So ya pull up your britches and move forward.

I must engage with life and with people.  This is nearly as important as oxygen for me.

I remember, I won’t forget and I pray every breath I take be a prayer for the safety not only for my Youngest but for all those young men and women serving our country in 2009.